Episode

Start Putting Yourself First: Tools to Say No Without Guilt or Drama
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50:55
Published: Mon Feb 27 2023
Description

In this episode, you are going to learn how to put yourself first. Which means you and I are having a conversation about people-pleasing. You know you do it. I do it, too.  In fact, unless you're a narcissistic jerk (and you’re not if you’re listening to these podcast episodes), we are all people-pleasers to some extent. Being a people-pleaser is a coping mechanism and it is destroying your energy, your time, your dreams, and your sanity. Every time you say yes to something you don’t really want to do, you’re saying no to yourself. Today, we’re changing that in a surprising way. First, you’ll become aware of when and why you do it. Second, you’ll learn the science-backed tools you need to break the habit of always putting other people’s needs before your own. Third, you and I are going to have a talk about guilt, because when you start saying no, one thing I can guarantee is that you’ll feel guilty about it. I used to, too. I don’t anymore. And I’ll explain how you can handle the guilt and still put yourself first. One of the critical steps to creating a life you love is learning how to say yes to what matters to you and no to what doesn’t. This is a big topic; there are a lot of surprising layers. So I can’t wait for you to apply these relatable and easy strategies to your life and to hear about your breakthroughs.  Xo Mel  In this episode, you’ll learn: 1:50: What the heck IS people-pleasing anyway? (4 takeaways you may have not heard)5:12: I bet you can relate to Janet who learned this message as a kid.6:00: Let’s just get the bad news about guilt out of the way.7:15: Because here is some good news about guilt!9:00: What does a pool table have to do with people-pleasing?14:50: I still cringe when I think of this phone call with my father.18:45: Here’s how a pool table can double as a desk 😂22:10: What happens when your friends don’t like the “new you”?24:45: At the heart of people-pleasing is this.26:00: This research explains why we avoid discomfort. 27:16: Think people-pleasing is about others? Think again.28:00: The surprising advice for how to handle disappointment from others.31:50: What if your lifestyle is now different from your friends?34:30: Here’s where to find friends who get you.35:10: Please stop looking here for validation as you change your life.37:50: Are you sure you know when you’re being authentic?40:00: Do this to start figuring out who you really are.42:00: Do this next time you’re asked to do something you don’t want to do.47:00: Here’s how my friend Amy reacted when I had to bail on her at dinner in Vegas.48:50: This is what happens every time you start to say no. Want me to answer your question on the podcast? Submit it here. Visit www.melrobbins.com/podcast for additional resources. Sign up for my free 5-day Wake Up Challenge. Disclaimer

Chapters
This podcast episode discusses the phenomenon of people pleasing and how it affects individuals, while providing tools to help catch oneself in moments of pressure to please others over oneself.
00:00 - 04:02 (04:02)
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Neuroscience
Summary

This podcast episode discusses the phenomenon of people pleasing and how it affects individuals, while providing tools to help catch oneself in moments of pressure to please others over oneself.

Episode
Start Putting Yourself First: Tools to Say No Without Guilt or Drama
Podcast
The Mel Robbins Podcast
This podcast episode encourages listeners to gain more self-awareness and understand the importance of making conscious decisions that empower themselves.
04:02 - 08:50 (04:48)
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Self-love
Summary

This podcast episode encourages listeners to gain more self-awareness and understand the importance of making conscious decisions that empower themselves. It challenges the traditional notion of putting others first and encourages women to define for themselves what it means to be a good wife, mother, and person.

Episode
Start Putting Yourself First: Tools to Say No Without Guilt or Drama
Podcast
The Mel Robbins Podcast
A woman shares how her father's love for her led to a road trip to bring back an old pool table to serve as her office despite the lack of space in her home.
08:50 - 15:06 (06:15)
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Family Bonds
Summary

A woman shares how her father's love for her led to a road trip to bring back an old pool table to serve as her office despite the lack of space in her home.

Episode
Start Putting Yourself First: Tools to Say No Without Guilt or Drama
Podcast
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Saying no to loved ones can be difficult and disappointing, but it is still necessary in some cases.
15:06 - 19:35 (04:28)
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Relationships
Summary

Saying no to loved ones can be difficult and disappointing, but it is still necessary in some cases. Disappointing someone now may make things better in the long run.

Episode
Start Putting Yourself First: Tools to Say No Without Guilt or Drama
Podcast
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The discomfort of making a decision that may disappoint someone else is normal and is associated with the tendency to please others rather than one's self-interest.
19:36 - 26:36 (07:00)
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Decision-making
Summary

The discomfort of making a decision that may disappoint someone else is normal and is associated with the tendency to please others rather than one's self-interest. Understanding the connection between the brain, stress processing, and decision-making can help in making tough decisions while considering others' emotions.

Episode
Start Putting Yourself First: Tools to Say No Without Guilt or Drama
Podcast
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Putting yourself first can cause discomfort for those around you but it also makes them think about their own decisions and needs.
26:36 - 31:05 (04:28)
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Self-care
Summary

Putting yourself first can cause discomfort for those around you but it also makes them think about their own decisions and needs. It's important to give people space to feel what they need to feel when you make decisions that go against their expectations.

Episode
Start Putting Yourself First: Tools to Say No Without Guilt or Drama
Podcast
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Stop looking for validation from people who cannot understand themselves or what you are trying to do.
31:05 - 37:28 (06:22)
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Self-improvement
Summary

Stop looking for validation from people who cannot understand themselves or what you are trying to do. Seek out like-minded individuals and create a support system that accepts and understands your decisions.

Episode
Start Putting Yourself First: Tools to Say No Without Guilt or Drama
Podcast
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Learn how to identify and connect with your true and authentic self by removing external influences and pressure from society, culture, and personal relationships.
37:29 - 43:48 (06:18)
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Self-improvement
Summary

Learn how to identify and connect with your true and authentic self by removing external influences and pressure from society, culture, and personal relationships. By giving yourself time and space, you can gain a clearer understanding of who you are and what you truly want in life.

Episode
Start Putting Yourself First: Tools to Say No Without Guilt or Drama
Podcast
The Mel Robbins Podcast
The speaker recounts an experience of feeling sleepy during a dinner conversation, handing the waiter their credit card and leaving their friend to enjoy their meal, then rushing to give a speech.
43:48 - 48:51 (05:03)
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Sleep
Summary

The speaker recounts an experience of feeling sleepy during a dinner conversation, handing the waiter their credit card and leaving their friend to enjoy their meal, then rushing to give a speech.

Episode
Start Putting Yourself First: Tools to Say No Without Guilt or Drama
Podcast
The Mel Robbins Podcast
Mel Robbins encourages listeners to say no to things that don't work for them and prioritize their own happiness and well-being, reminding them they deserve support and love regardless of others' opinions.
48:51 - 50:48 (01:56)
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Self-improvement
Summary

Mel Robbins encourages listeners to say no to things that don't work for them and prioritize their own happiness and well-being, reminding them they deserve support and love regardless of others' opinions.

Episode
Start Putting Yourself First: Tools to Say No Without Guilt or Drama
Podcast
The Mel Robbins Podcast